Readers may be surprised by the title of this article, the purpose of which will unravel as they progress towards the end. Since 1999, this is my fifth visit to America to spend time with my granddaughter. In the last two decades, I have noticed a sea change in the perception of people who moved from our country to US and other Countries. In the past, boys were looking only for good-looking educated girls from India to marry. As the economic pressure and aspirations increased, the search for girls from India has changed to girls studying in the US. The current trend is that the girl should have M.S. from the US and should preferably be working in the US. More value addition to this requirement is girls with Citizenship or Green Cards such selection in the opinion of boys, makes them hassle-free of Visa problems.
It’s good that more jobs are created and people are growing financially. However, there is a flip side to this growth. With increasing women empowerment, the first casualty is the loss of innocent infanthood of Kids born more particularly to NRI couples. Months-old tender kids are forced to be dropped at daycare centers or at the mercy of Nannies, as there is no other alternative for working couples.
It’s also an undeniable fact that unless both people work nowadays they may not have a comfortable life. However, happiness is not assured with the loss of family time and harmony. I firmly believe that more than fifty percent of people should be able to lead a comfortable life with one salary. Many recent happiness index studies also support this thought. Paradoxically a tiny poor country like Bhutan where I am sure many women may not be working women, ranked in the top three Happy Nations. As seen from this study Wealth and income status have no correlation to happiness. Over the years, one perceptible change we have noticed in several NRI homes is that the number of housewives has drastically gone down. Everywhere, couples are working in one capacity or another.
We have also seen a few families where mothers have taken a conscious decision of taking a temporary break from work or total break for the sake of their small kids and family. Such few women who took a break from work have expressed no regrets for their decision. On the other side, they said that they are happy and are free of the sense of guilt of ignoring kids at the needy hour. I appreciate such mothers as it is a fact that there is no rewinding option to our lives. It is irreversible. Precious moments of caring for children will not come back.
It is said that children like your ‘Presence’ than your ‘presents’. Further, I have also read somewhere that “the best investment you make on your children is your time”. Unfortunately, the majority of successful parents invest everything in their children except their time. If only mothers are able to take a break, children are not deprived of their happiness which is essential for their overall growth. In our apartment complex, many times, I have seen infants with tearful wet cheeks and tears rolling down when their moms leave for work in the mornings. This is a painful picture that we quite often see. The immense joy and blushing faces of the infants when they see their moms in the evenings is a great healing balm to me.
The only thing required for taking such a decision is to wisely differentiate between our Needs and Wants. As far as needs are concerned, I am sure that they will be taken care of with one salary. Our Wants are purely subjective depending on the thresholds we define, fix, rationalize and justify. Whenever I see working mothers multi-tasking for material comforts, I remember Aamani’s character in the Subhalagnam movie in which she loses her happiness by putting her husband to sale despite a reasonably comfortable life. As I see and interact with many families over the decades, housewives are becoming endangered species. At many weekend social gatherings, housewives are becoming too defensive and apologetic to say that they are simple housewives. Such women are even looked down on by others. ‘Udyogam Purusha Lakshanam’ is a very outdated adage to be replaced by ‘Udyogam Sthree Lakshanam’.
I am afraid that if the same trend continues, the prophecy made by Nobel laureate T.S.Eliot in the following lines has already emerged.
In the light of the above plight, I want to make an earnest appeal to all new couples to pause for a moment, step down from the hedonistic treadmill, and give a serious thought of taking a short break till the children cross their tender age. We are not against women’s empowerment but are only worried about infant impoverishment.
I am sure Heavens do not fall with this decision. In fact, kids enjoy Mom’s heavenly love and affection in their infancy which helps them to grow with a sense of security, care and happiness.
In lockdown period the heavens opened.Many parents came closer to create heaven in their Home. Your writing and thoughts very novel and promotes good thinking habits in all youngsters to rethink about heavens.
A wonderfully narrated facts of life .There is an absolute necessity to choose between presence n presents for children. It is very unfortunate we commonly n casually use the word working or non working woman,though in reality it is the men who are working or non working. Children deserves more presence n not presents n women deserves more respect for their “non stop” working. A nice n thought provoking observation n narration. Congratulations Harshvardhan garu. Best wishes.
Excellent narration of present trend of human life, your sentence of “ parents have given everything to their children except their time “ is perfectly matches and one more thing I want to bring to your notice that inter cast inter religion love marriages growing day by day rather than choosing alliance from India but any way in my opinion Living out side India one way is luxurious & , quality life in all manners, other way I feel of eating curries with out salt ,forgoing relationships with near and dear
Very nice and apposite piece from intense observation. Suggested model is an ideal equilibrium between life and work and wealth. But the modern day work environment is not very welcoming to a person willing to work after a long break. Things are changing; but very slowly. Hopefully Covid forced model of work from home will give a big filip to this much wanted change in the working approach. Let us wish that becomes a permanent feature of post Pandemic period ushering in a better era where young girls can take break from regular work for child raising without fearing permanent expulsion from the job market.
I actually liked the idea. Studying psychology, I do agree that it’s important for young mother’s to spend time with their children . Career is important but sometimes it’s okay to take a break from your career to be with kids . The time you spend actually shapes them into who they would eventually become .
This was my favourite like from the article . It is said that children like your ‘Presence’ than your ‘presents.
It’s well written and I enjoyed it , it might no go with the modern view because they think feminism is just when women work . Rather it’s giving them the choice to be who they want to be .
I really liked the article !
I liked the idea. Studying psychology, I do agree that it’s important for young mother’s to spend time with their children . Career is important but sometimes it’s okay to take a break from your career to be with kids . The time you spend actually shapes them into who they would eventually become .
This was my favourite like from the article . It is said that children like your ‘Presence’ than your ‘presents.
It’s well written and I enjoyed it , it might no go with the modern view because they think feminism is just when women work . Rather it’s giving them the choice to be who they want to be .
I really liked the article !
Very nicely penned down, sir. I agree with you that in our society children are being neglected especially in the presence of technology. I remember a poem of Roald Dalh in his book “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” where he mentions how parents leave their children in front of the TV to keep them from hindering their work. It is a known fact that too much screen time effects the brain in adverse ways.
This indeed calls for parents to pay attention to their children. While maternity leaves are being provided, it is true that they aren’t as effective as, let us say, full time care for atleast 5 years. I would also like to add that as much as you pointed out that women must take a temporary break from their jobs (or a permanent break), I believe that the same applies for men. Infact, I believe that most of the young couples would prefer to discuss about leaving their jobs. It could be either the husband or the wife who chooses to stay at home. I personally believe that in our society “house- husbands” are possible.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to say that women should turn away from their responsibilities. They should not. Infact, motherhood really is a wonderful thing and I am sure that every woman, who works, feels bad for leaving behind her child. But, women are also humans. They also have dreams. They also wish to be someone outside of their homes. They also have ideas and ideals that they wish to pursue. Even in ancient times, women wished to learn philosophy from Buddha which led to the establishment of bikkhunis (female monks). The Sutta Pitaka describes the tale of many women who battled against social stigma to become theris or learned women. I give this example only to point out that women have aspirations that they wish to battle for. And even if all this falls short in front of the bliss of motherhood, I believe that leaving behind one’s dreams doesn’t always come without regrets.
This is the thought I had when I read your article. I don’t know about any solution. All I can think of is that both husband and wife play an equal role in the house. Both must take the responsibility for the child. If society is going to expect something, then it must be expected of both the man and the woman. Any problem can be solved together. I think that is the point of marriage.
One more possibility we need to look at, especially in the case of India, is that in many cases, despite women wanting to work more, they are forced to conceive because of familial and societal pressure. Nowadays, though, it is reducing a bit with companies offering to freeze the eggs of their female employees and everything. I believe that in the near future this can be accepted by the society that women have dreams to work for too….. whether they belong to middle class or high class or even poor backgrounds.
Lastly, I want to assert again that there is no woman who doesn’t like her child or who wouldn’t give up her world for her child but frankly, all sacrifices should not always be made only by women. I think that women can dream, they can aspire and can wish to break the glass ceiling. But all they ask for is a little support from their family, from their husbands to help them take care of the children so they don’t feel uneasy about leaving them behind. Rest all, of course, is their choice.
Thank you sir
Very nicely penned down, sir. I agree with you that in our society children are being neglected especially in the presence of technology. I remember a poem of Roald Dalh in his book “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” where he mentions how parents leave their children in front of the TV to keep them from hindering their work. It is a known fact that too much screen time effects the brain in adverse ways.
This indeed calls for parents to pay attention to their children. While maternity leaves are being provided, it is true that they aren’t as effective as, let us say, full time care for atleast 5 years. I would also like to add that as much as you pointed out that women must take a temporary break from their jobs (or a permanent break), I believe that the same applies for men. Infact, I believe that most of the young couples would prefer to discuss about leaving their jobs. It could be either the husband or the wife who chooses to stay at home. I personally believe that in our society “house- husbands” are possible.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to say that women should turn away from their responsibilities. They should not. Infact, motherhood really is a wonderful thing and I am sure that every woman, who works, feels bad for leaving behind her child. But, women are also humans. They also have dreams. They also wish to be someone outside of their homes. They also have ideas and ideals that they wish to pursue. Even in ancient times, women wished to learn philosophy from Buddha which led to the establishment of bikkhunis (female monks). The Sutta Pitaka describes the tale of many women who battled against social stigma to become theris or learned women. I give this example only to point out that women have aspirations that they wish to battle for. And even if all this falls short in front of the bliss of motherhood, I believe that leaving behind one’s dreams doesn’t always come without regrets.
This is the thought I had when I read your article. I don’t know about any solution. All I can think of is that both husband and wife play an equal role in the house. Both must take the responsibility for the child. If society is going to expect something, then it must be expected of both the man and the woman. Any problem can be solved together. I think that is the point of marriage.
One more possibility we need to look at, especially in the case of India, is that in many cases, despite women wanting to work more, they are forced to conceive because of familial and societal pressure. Nowadays, though, it is reducing a bit with companies offering to freeze the eggs of their female employees and everything. I believe that in the near future this can be accepted by the society that women have dreams to work for too….. whether they belong to middle class or high class or even poor backgrounds.
Lastly, I want to assert again that there is no woman who doesn’t like her child or who wouldn’t give up her world for her child but frankly, all sacrifices should not always be made only by women. I think that women can dream, they can aspire and can wish to break the glass ceiling. But all they ask for is a little support from their family, from their husbands to help them take care of the children so they don’t feel uneasy about leaving them behind. Rest all, of course, is their choice.
Sir,
This article reveals an important aspect of human life wherein the couple’s responsibility is not only to have children but also sparing their time and wisdom in bringing them up as the responsible human beings.
In the present day life the infants and kids are facing typical situation by missing the affection and love of their parents if both of them are working and depending on Daycare centres and Nanis. It throws light on how best the parents can spare their time for the betterment and happiness of their own children. The title is heart touching and thought provoking.
Thank you Sir.
Very nice and thought provoking article. Not only NRI or US couples, in India here also the thinking of present day couples is the same. They want their own Flat or gated community villas and car immediately after marriage ofcourse by EMIs in many cases. My daughter took a break to look after my grandson. Expecting many more articles
హర్షవనంలో ఇంగ్లీష్ మొక్క మొలిచింది. నేటి సమస్య . విశ్లేషణ ,వివరణ, అనుసరణీయం. అన్నిటికీ మూలం మనోనియంత్రణ సంతృప్తి . తప్పని పరిస్థితిలో సహితం సమతుల్య సాధన వలన జీవిత సాఫల్యత పొందవచ్చని నాఆభిప్రాయము.
Yes! You are cent percent right sir.
Heavens do not fall.
You are taking up important issues which are thought provoking .
We expect many more articles from you.
Sir! What a grasp of the things! Quite astonishing & adorable. Your keen observation with analytical mind & human touch is really thought provoking. The phrases like presence vis presents certainly convey a strong message to the modern American moms as to what should be their priorities. There are enough anecdotes underlining the importance of parental care & guidance, their availability to the their children at the tender age . Mother hood is a gift to a woman in shaping the personality of the child. The warmth & affection with which the moms nurture their children will certainly have a positive impact on their overall growth in general & psyche in particular. Your presentation of such a vital aspect depicts your wisdom & concern for the future generations. I am really stunned by your adept ness coupled with erudite & scholastic approach to the subject. I hope the present day young moms take a clue from this in spending a wonderful & loving time with their children lest they may repent after wards for not being able to spend valuable time with their children . Congratulations for making your mark🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
చాలా ఆలోచించాల్సిన విషయమిది, ఈ generation లో ఇద్దరు work చెయ్యాల్సిన అవసరం లేదు, కాబట్టి ఒకరు ఇల్లు పిల్లలు చూసుకుంటే బాగుంటుంది, మా అబ్బాయికి చదువుకున్న అమ్మాయి ని చేస్తాను, ఉద్యోగం చేయక్కరలేదు అని అనిపించింది మీరు రాసింది చదివాకా.
Nice article uncle.
I can only remember the below quote when it comes to the human mindset and lifestyle today:
Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. -Confucius
What is the role of parents ? Work , earn go to clubs and drink. NO. Taking care of the children is the first priority. Unless you groom them well they will not be useful to the society. Instead they will become parasites on the society.Let this be realised and a proper decision be taken.
The seeds of better human being are sown in the golden period of one to five years age. Only having a joint family addresses this necessity.
మీ అభిప్రాయం చాలా చక్కగా చెప్పారు. శిశువులకే జ్ఞానం ఉండి ఉంటే తల్లిదండ్రులని తమకి సమయం కేటాయించమని అడిగి సాధించుకుని ఉండేవారు. ఆడంబరాలు తగ్గించుకుంటే తక్కువ సంపాదన ఉన్నప్పుడు కూడా కోరికలు తప్పక తీరతాయి. చాలా బాగా రాశారు.
నేటి యువతరానికి మంచి సందేశం… బాగా చెప్పారు….మా అమ్మాయి కూడా పిల్లల సంరక్షణ కోసం ఉద్యొగం మానివేసి గృహిణి గా ఉంది…మా అల్లుడు గారు…మరియు ఆయన తల్లిదండ్రులు కూడా ఆమెకు అదే సలహా ఇవ్వడం మాకు చాలా బాగా సంతోషం…..
AUM, SriSAIRAM . A valuable advice for thinking over. the. inquisitive questions of T S EIiot . Thank you sir . Be Blessed .
This is an interesting thought and thanks for sharing.
In my humble opinion, “Udyogam is Andari Lakshanam”,(provided they are able and qualified) not to be distinguished by any other factor.
Along the same lines, taking care of a child is both parent’s responsibility. How is that “equally” shared is something that needs to be worked out by both. There shouldn’t be a barrier on who does what work, apart from some which might be gender specific which can always be supported in other ways.
There is definitely a hardship in the way this balance is struck and needs constant work but that would be a testament to the marriage and accepted responsibility of having a child in this world.
The background is simple, our generation was raised equal compared to perhaps previous generations which might have a stereotypical view. No matter the gender, I was given the same amenities as my sibling and that was the right thing to do. We were given freedom to have our own career paths, so we did and that I feel is most important. The hard part I see is after investing ~16 years in education and not able to use those skills appropriately is as sad as not being able to balance responsibilities.
The happiest technically advanced nations in the world have excellent health coverage and work life balance schedules, which has profound effect on people’s lives. So, its usually not just a person but the community that has an important role.
On the flip side, today’s work culture and opportunities can enable a lot of flexibility where just throttling your work schedule can be sufficient to spend time with your child. We shouldn’t expect career growth at this time. Time management is key!
The pace at which things are changing can be a boon to people who want to take a break in their career, take care of the family and come back. They can always acquire a new skill relevant in that time to get a job. The downside is you might have to accept starting from a lower level.
As much as compensation is important, I believe the more significant part in work is satisfaction and independence.
Very perfect. This is happening not in US but in India more or less the same phenomenon.
Kids are being neglected. In big cities in India most of the people on single basis are not earning to suffice their need. And well settled are living for their undefined wants as a result kis are suffering.
I look back we parents also are not nurturing well the boys and girls keeping them in competition and parallel. Any how the situation needs to be taken up otherwise the very purpose of life will be defeated.
Let’s all take the responsibility to look into at least in our families and endorse.
I appreciate your view point concern and so well expressed.
Thanks for sharing with me.
This peculiar phenomenon is noticed by the young couples also However, the “peer comparison ” concept is overwhelming their thoughts. Unfortunately the word contentment is unheard by them. The neo rich would like to show off.As it was rightly said….they are not able to distinguish between needs and…..
Excellently written…really enjoyed the way you have presented
Excellent article on very important component of life, childhood. Even if few change their thinking and decide to bring up the children for the first few years of their lives. In this age of internet, going back to some sort of assignment may not be a problem too to many who want to do job when they have become tree. As rightly mentioned in the article, wants have to be curtailed for sometime in the interest of the young ones. 👍
Very Truly said Sir. I don’t know how many will follow? Let’s hope for the Best
Sir. I gave up my career for the sake of my children. After my children have settled well in life, I have started feeling that I shouldn’t have left my job. Now your article made me realise that I had taken a good decision then.
Nice sir and true🙏…. somehow in this pandemic situation work from Home is helping working moms to look after their kids.
Well said sir really it’s a hearttouching article now a days children missing their memorable moments such as spending time with grandparents and also with their parents especially in foreign countries our Indian parents in foreign countries should think about this for the sake of their children my sincere wishes to you sir for this article
Dear sir
I appreciate your thoughtful keen wisdom analysis of present family situation
Only answer could be obtained from scriptural knowledge blessed by our divine rishis
Thought provoking!
Young couples should think seriously on this .
The parents of the young couples also should encourage their children on this.
Very good one Annayya.
మీ పరిశీలన, మీ ఆలోచన, నూటికి నూరు శాతం నిజమే. 2002సం.లో మా అమ్మాయి పురిటి సమయం. దాని కోసం స్విట్జర్లాండ్ వెళ్ళాము. అక్కడ తమిళ అమ్మాయి సాఫ్ట్వేర్ ఉద్యోగిని 3సం.లు సెలవు పెట్టింది. కేవలం వాళ్ళ బాబును చూసుకోవడానికి. సెలవు పెట్టడం అవసరమా?అని అడిగాను. ఈ ఆనందం మళ్ళీ రాదు కదా!అని సమాధానం.
Thought provoking and very nice sir.There is no bigger salary than enjoying motherhood